Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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