Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
