I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
