I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
