I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
