my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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