census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
