my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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