You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
