i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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