I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
