it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
