i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
