You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
