I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
