what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
