this beer tastes like vomit already
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
