We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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