I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
