he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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