Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
