Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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