Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
