well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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