And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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