Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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