He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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