Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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