why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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