Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
