so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Life is so much better after having sex.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
