So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
