So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
