I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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