his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
