i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
