My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
