she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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