my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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