Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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