dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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