What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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