She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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