Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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