I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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