Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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