I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
