My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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