Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
