I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
