I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
