i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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