I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
